The Beta Tester
by FameOrInfamy
Summary: What happens when Stewie is asked to beta test a virtual gaming helmet and gets stuck inside? A run-in with some parodized game characters! Plz R&R andrnbe nice, this is my first fanfiction writing! CHAPTER 3 is up! PLZ READ!
1. CHAPTER 1 DAMN!

Disclaimer- Unfortunately, Fox owns Family Guy (lucky batards). This story, though, is

mine, and can't be used by anyone without my permission.

CHAPTER 1- "DAMN!"

At the Griffin home, Stewie was receiving 'consoling' from his teddy bear, Rupert,

after his latest failed attempt on Lois's life.

"I don't know how the deuce she does it Rupert!" Stewie began shrilly, "How does

one get hyper active after fifteen pounds of rat poison in their Kool-Aid! It defies all

logic of man!

Rupert stared blankly with his button eyes, while the maniacal toddler looked at him

with anger and hate forming in his animated eyes.

"What the hell do you mean 'sugar'! You mean to tell me I gave you all of that rat

poison and you gave it to that crotch licking dog for sugar and then spiked Lois's drink

with it?"

Rupert still looked at Stewie vacantly but he stared indignantly at his furry associate

while screeching at the same time,

"DAMN! I spent six hours on E-Bay bidding for that againest RangerBoy26… You

know Rupert? Who would name their e-mail 'RangerBoy26' anyway?

His bear looked on as his owner went into a rant.

"Oh I see? You're trying to change the subject and get out of punishment, aren't you?

Hahaha! Such a clever bear! I do believe my intellect is rubbing off on you! In that case, I

premit you to look at my newest invention that is sure to kill that red-headed woman!"

Stewie took his teddy bear by the arm into the home. Coming from the house's side

was Brian, a dog who's wit was as dry as the martini's he drank. At his side was a bag

of rat poison. He dug a hole in the yard and buried it as he stared where Stewie was and

smiled.

"Sorry kid, but Lois makes really good apple pie and quite frankly, I don't know what

her secret ingredient is."

Inside, the Griffin's were having a 'normal' breakfast.

"Mom!" complained Meg, "Lardo ate all of my eggs!"

"I'm not Lardo!" said her brother Chris, "And besides, I'm a growing boy, right

Dad?"

Peter Griffin looked at his son replying matter-of-factly

"Course you are my blubber boy!"

"Peta! Don't talk to him like that!" said his wife Lois, "and Chris, don't eat your

sister's food, you have your own!"

Chris stared at his stomach growling and whined pitifully to his mother,

"but I had to give my eggs to the evil monkey in my closet or he'd move under my

bed!"

His family laughed at his statement as Peter replied,

"Mehehehe! Evil monkey, oh man, whats next?"

As his family resumed their meal, Chris turned behind him and saw a brown monkey.

It pointed it's finger at him and showed it's teeth while it's eye twitched evilly. Chris's

face whitened as he quickly turned back to the table.

Just then, Stewie and Brian came in and like usual, they were arguing.

"… One hundred and fifty dollars!" Stewie was saying in his English tone,

"That was enough to buy two of you, not that having one is good to begin with!"

Brian retaliated with a quick threat, "If you had killed her, who would tuck you in

at night, who would babysit you, who would change your diapers?"

"The fat man, Megan, and Damn it all your right so lets leave it at that shall we?"

Stewie looked at his highchair then to Lois, then back to the highchair as he remarked,

"Ahhh… Not going to hit a growth spurt soon, so… GET ME IN THE DAMN

CHAIR WOMAN!"

Lois, who had been talking to Peter about the electric bill, gave Stewie an

exasperated look.

"Stewie, you already ate, and I'm talking to Daddy about important matters!"

"Yeah," said Peter, "Why don't you watch Barney or something little guy!"

"I should beat you both with a rail.." muttered Stewie

"What sweetie?" said Lois

"Um… I said I was getting the mail!"

Stewie walked to the front door and hit the closet in anger. It swung open to

reveal a disheveled Barney tied to a chair with his eyes taped open to watch his own

crappy shows, being driven insane with "Hhhey hhhey hhhey kids!" every few minutes.

Stewie opened the mailbox and was thinking of incoherent curses and words that

all meant "I hate Lois" while he sorted through the mail.

"Lois, Lois, Lois, Fat man, Lois, Fat man, Current Resident…"

A small package dropped from the mailbox. Stewie lifted it and read the name

printed on the front,

To Stewart G. Griffin.


	2. CHAPTER 2 The Beta Tester

Disclaimer- Once again, I don't own Family Guy (though I want to) nor it's characters.

Thanks to my first two reviewers, HermioneRon4ever (joke was _really_ funny 'Snicki')

And KDX (review was really positive! Thanks a lot!) I'm ready to continue the Beta

Tester!

CHAPTER 2- The Beta Tester

Stewie read the package again to make sure it was for him. The address was right so

it was for him.

"I wonder what the devil this is?" Stewie murmured as he shook the box, "Well, I

can't let them see it, or they'll want it for themselves!" he declared.

After taking a few minutes to secure it under his shirt, he scurried inside and set the

mail on the kitchen table. He then proceeded stealthily to the stairs…

Brian and Chris were making their way downstairs and were met by a very shifty

Stewie.

Chris noticed his slightly square stomach.

"Whats with your stomach dude?" said Chris curiously

"Nothing at all, nothing, nothing… I SAID NOTHING DAMMIT!"

Brian stared at him suspiciously.

"Your being awfully weird, even for you which is saying something. Now, whats

under your shirt?"

"Uh…" Stewie stammered, "Its… a shoe box!"

Brian looked at him like he was retarded. "A shoe box?"

"Yes, a shoe box, for personal reasons, now goodbye!" Stewie snapped.

In one deft movement (while holding his 'stomach') he flipped over Brian and

bounded into his room. Pressing a button on his mobule he opened a wall to reveal his

armory. Taking a laser, he fired around his door, which cooled and harden, making it

physically impossible to open his door.

Stewie stopped and looked at the narrator of this story.

"You know, you're a dumbass!" said the maniacal toddler, "and still you sit there

and write those stupid adjectives in front of my name! I rather like 'uncorruptably evil'

though…"

I continued to write dialogue until the uncorruptably evil Stewie hit me in the head,

knocking me from my computer chair.

"What the living hell was that for!" I exclaimed, rubbing my head.

Stewie looked at me in anger as he spoke,

"How the deuce are you still controlling my speech… Look, you said you'd put me in

a hilarious story on Well its not!"

"I thought its been funny…" I grumbled sullenly.

"It doesn't matter what you think, its your reviewers that examine that! Now, if you

want to redeem this story, shut up, keep typing, and make it good and funny dammit or

you'll be the next thing I damn beside Lois and broccoli!"

"Fine, I'll keep going, just don't force me into late hours because unlike you, I sleep,"

I said grumpily as I exited this story and resumed it.

"Now," said Stewie, "make it so that only I can exit and enter my room!"

…making it physically impossible for anyone except Stewie to open his door.

"Thank you!" Now where was I…you… ah yes!"

Stewie scrambled to his bed and proceeded to open his box.

Inside, it contained…

A helmet!

The helmet looked like a game controller but with less buttons and more color.

Inside the box there was also a letter, which the psychotic baby flourished and read,

Eh hem…

Dear Mr. Griffin,

As you know, you were recently, as were other children in the U.S, given a shot

at the doctors. Those shots were sent to our company, Smith Games, for neuralogical

examination.

Stewie paused,

"Neuralogicial examination… Lois! Influenza shots my foot! DAMN YOU!"

He calmed and continued,

Your parents, as well as others, were not informed of this.

Stewie paused again,

"Oh… Well damn you anyway for not knowing!"

He continued,

We wanted to keep our latest development a secret, but needed a smart person to

beta test it. We picked children since we figured no one over 30 would try. Out of a

fourth of the U.S., you have been selected to try it first!

"But what is it?" Stewie said quietly.

This is a Virtual Visual Gaming Helmet or VVG for short.

"That was weird…"

We know. Anyway, the VVG places you inside any video game with our special

chips. You will beta test the seven games listed and make sure everything is in order.

You will play through the following game demos;

1.Resident People: Turn Our Damn Power Back On!

2.Psi Clops: The Bill Gates Conspiracy

3.Super Smashed Bros.

4.Bar Wars, Episode XXX: Barachor V, Source of Budweiser

5.Hey Yo 3: Covenant vs. Marine's Homie Division

6.Metal Weird Smallish: Raiden's 'Hot Dog' Problem

7.Harvest Loon: Psychotic Killer of Mineral Town

A random game will be selected and you will be asked to play through, locating

faults or other misfunctions inside and reporting them to us through the helmet's

comlink.

Good Luck and have fun!

Sincerely,

Taylor Smith

Smith Games Corperate Excutive

Stewie stared at the helmet again and the letter, as if waiting to hear someone yell

April Fools. When no one did, Stewie took the instruction manual and began placing

the VVG on.

_Step 1: Place helmet on head._

Stewie set the helmet on.

_Step 2: Strap helmet on head._

Stewie strapped it, thinking how utterly stupid the instructions were.

_Step 3: Take that back or else!_

Stewie retracted his last thought hurriedly.

_Step 4: Press red button on left side._

Stewie pressed the button. Suddenly, the helmet began to hum silently as

the mad toddler's mind began to feel seperated from his body.

Then…

Stewie lost conciseness.

AN-

Forgot to add AN last time, sorry! Did you like my game titles? Im trying to figure

what each level will be like. Definetly sweet. Next chapter will have new characters

glore! Later!


	3. CHAPTER 3 Psi Clops The Phil Gates Consp...

Disclaimer- Once again, just like always, I don't own Family Guy. Stewie's not mine but

the story and some characters, are mine, so don't go postin' them without my permission

anywhere.

By the way, the reviews are really positive, so keep them coming!

CHAPTER 3- Psi Clops: The Phil Gates Conspiracy

Stewie awoke in front of a huge building. It was a black building with no windows

and had the air of malicious activities going on in it.

Stewie noticed his attire. He was in a James Bondish suit with a rose in his pocket. He

also found an PPK, 4 frag grenades, a rocket launcher, two packages of C4, and a picture

of Lois, which Stewie threw up and shot with his rocket launcher.

"GOD! You think you could make any more noise!"

Stewie turned and noticed a short, robust man ambling over to him.

"We're are trying to be incognito, not make a shitload of a racket!"

Stewie looked at the man with disdain, "Who the deuce do you think you are,

ordering me around!"

The man offered his pudgy hand, "The name's Cybertronic Obnoxious Guide, or

COG for short. I'm here to guide you through the games."

Stewie shook his sweaty hand as he asked COG quizzically, "Why are you obnox-"

COG looked at the building as he started speaking, "WowthisbuildingisBIGdon'tyou

thinkheyhaveyouseenNapoleonDynamiteitssosweetdoyoulikepicklesIlikepickleseven

thoughIliveinthegameworldchickensareniceyouthinkyouhaveaweirdvoiceitsdifferentbut

coolhaveyouever…"

Stewie covered his mouth, "Point taken. Now, what do we do fat man 2.0?"

COG stared at him as they started walking to the building, "You think you could

have taken any longer? We might miss our appointment with Mr.Gates dumbass!"

Stewie flicked him off from behind as they entered the building. In the small room,

A woman was working at the reception desk. Upon seeing COG and Stewie, she pressed

a button on an intercom on her desk.

"Mr.Gates, your 1:00 is here."

"Good, its about time those buttheads got here. Send them in Ms. Secretary-lady."

COG shot Stewie a venomous look while the toddler gave him the 'bitch' sign

behind his massive back. They went to the elevator as the former explained the level.

"Okay, heres the skinny. Phil Gates is the owner and founder of Nanosoft, a company

who experiments in computer technology dealing with psychic anatomy. A latest break

through has allowed them to load psychic abilities on their robots. Well, somebody

screwed with the programming and now the robots are going haywire. The U.S military

has given Phil Gates 24 hours to deal with the corruption or they'll blow his HQ up,

ending this research."

"Well then, where the deuce are we suppose to find this corruption," Stewie said,

"Theres no way we'll find it in time!"

"Well," COG started, "That's what our meeting with Mr.Gates will tell us."

Stewie looked at him like he was mental, "Don't you already know this since your

connected to the game? Don't you have maps or cheats? By God I could create better

AI in a changing station at McDonalds!"

COG looked at him defensively, his five chins wobbling as he spoke, "Ey! This is my

first run of this game to dammit! Its not my fault the game developers all did time in a

mental institute!'

"Figures…" muttered Stewie.

When they reached Phil Gates office, they were met by Mr.Gates and another man

who was muscular and had ice blue eyes and a scar near his right eye in the shape of a….

"…weiner dogs are good, don't you think kid?" COG remarked as he stuffed his mouth

Full of a Ball Park Frank that suddenly appeared in his hand finishing a sentence that

would have been crude and inappropriate if properly completed.

Gates came over and pinched Stewie's cheek, "Ahh, hey little guy!

Coocheecoocheecoo!" Stewie pushed him away and brought out his pistol, pointing it at

him. "All right, back up! Don't give me that babied voice! I'm not a baby! Well, I

suppose physically I'am, but that's not the po… Whahaa!"

The man standing next to Gates had covered Stewie with a green glow giving off the

smell of rotten eggs. His scar was glowing yellow, disturbing Stewie and warping his

fragile and psychotic mind.

The toddler was hovering above ground flipped over as the Nanosoft

director addressed him. "Such a rude child! Fine I'll talk to you normally stupidhead! By

the way, this is my bodyguard, Dick Layer, he's psychic, its neato!" He giggled and

sat down. "Okay Dick, release him, pretty please?" Dick dropped his arm, which dropped

Stewie, which awakened COG who passed out from the smell. As Stewie got up, he

wondered if all computer company owners talked like gay six year olds and hired

manservants with scars above their eyes shaped like a crooked…

"Dick, bring up the monitor really speedy-weedy, okay?"

As the disturbing bodyguard lowered the screen, Gates began his explanation. "As

Pudgy, hehe, probably told you, the mean U.S. guys are bringing their big tanks an' guns'

An' guys to blow up my company unless I find the root of the bad, scary robots in my

HQ. So I need you fellas', and I suppose Mr.Dick can help as well, to find this problemo'

And stop it. Now I… WHAT THE BEJEEBERS ARE THEY HERE FOR!"

Two tax agents came in and laid an envolope on Gate's desk. "Just your taxes Mr.

Gates. Good day."

When they left, Gates peered over his chair and gave a sigh. "Those guys give me the

willys… Anyway I was going to give you the clearance to the basement level. The

password is H… Wassup guys!"

Now, two robots entered the room, guns drawn. Before Dick was able to use his

"Smellakinesis" and Stewie to aim his pistol, and COG to draw his black bowler hat

made like Oddjob's, the poor, simple… Well… idiotic Gates ran up to give them hi-5s.

One robot aimed his barrel at gate's hand and fired, leaving a burning hole through his

hand. Gates stared at his smoldering hand then back at the robots, screaming.

"YOU IDIOTS! THAT'S NOT HOW YOU HI-5 SOM-"

One of the robots started melting from the sheer hellish noise as the other shot Gates

Through the chest, blasting him through the window as he spoke his last words.

"I BET I CAN BEAT MY LUGIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…"

SPLAT!

Squish!

"hahaha… I won…"

The robot then pointed his gun at COG and was about to fire when Stewie fired his

pistol at the psychic machinery, short circuiting it and it toppled over.

Stewie pumped his fist in the air as he danced around the robot. "Hahahaha! It would

seem I have beat you! You're going to… ah, where the devil do dead robots go when

killed these days… ohh… MACHINE HELL!"

He stopped and looked at COG and Dick, whose names should not be read together

again to avoid disturbing visual pictures. "Sorry about Phillip, though it was his fault for

doing that you know."

Dick was about to speak when COG interrupted. "Omigoshdidyouseethathewas

blastedrightoutofthatwindowIhopethatneverhappenstomedoyouthinkthathurtohman…"

"SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP YOU SOB!" Stewie yelled while smacking COG

in the head.

"No problem my psychotic friend, and besides, Gates was grating me with his gay

voice anyway." said Dick. "I know the codes so we should make our way down to the

basement.

Suddenly, the building began to quake violently as distant screams were heard from

below. COG tripped and rolled like a bowling ball to the desk, smashing it into two

pieces. Dick steadied himself as he shouted to Stewie. "Looks like the attack has begun.

We need to get to the basement before…

A rumble came from outside the office as fire coated the room, melting mostly every-

thing in there. All three heroes were engulfed in the flame as they lost sight of each

other.

BOOM!

AN-

I was going to make each level only one chapter, but hey what the hell I'll make

em' 2 chapters each just for fun. Anyway, I'll have the next chapter in about a week so

don't expect it soon. By the way…

PLZ REVIEW!

Later!


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